A Dysfunction of Larks
by Rabbigerox
Summary: The divine B-Team known as the Larks is assembled by Nayru's finest when Farore goes missing due to some poor decisions and the ill-fated discovery of a sinister mask. Trust us, it's 20% cooler than any mortal summary can handle. AU, OC, Modern.
1. Prelude

AN: Once upon a time there was a super duper fun Legend of Zelda RP. The RP ran for more or less two and a half arcs and multiple years, but eventually it dwindled down to two girls (who, by the way, are secretly in love). These two girls were in heavy denial about the death of their RP, so they did a spin-off one-on-one of it. Then, shortly after I became a re-canon thing in the spin-off, they decided that the spin-off was so awesome (due to me) that it was only considerate to convert it into fanfic format and show it (mostly me) to the world. Since everyone knows it's a crying shame to keep this concealed.

I think I was supposed to be saying something relevant.

Oh, right.

The following is that fanfic.

- Love, Philip

PS: I show up later. Trust me, it's awesome.

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><p><span>Prologue - The First of Many Tea Parties<span>

The quaint little courtyard was mostly dominated by lush, colorful flowering plants, sheltering and nestled at the roots of towering shady oaks. Orange hibiscuses snuggled happily against white and pink rosebushes, their blooms intertwined. A neat little azalea bush had tamed itself among a sprawling, purple orchid bed which leaped in every direction around it, as though it had once been a moving creature and had been captured in time as it played with the bush.

The flowers had organized themselves around clear paths despite no visible guidance. They were not clustered into beds or drowned out by mulch or gravel, or choked out by hardy grasses. They simply flowed in their beds and slowed around the paths that wound through them.

A hummingbird flitted lightly to a bright tiger lily and poked its long, narrow beak inside. It hovered there for a long moment, sipping and then lifting its head to swallow, green feathers flashing in the sunlight. It repeated the motion over and over again: sip, swallow, sip, swallow, its tail twitching and its wings a cooling breeze. Once it was done, it floated away to find something else of interest - and this happened to be the occupants of two wrought iron chairs around a matching table: a lithe man with blonde, shoulder-length hair and a pixie-like redheaded girl.

The blonde man seemed more or less stuck on the battlefield, with a great sweeping indigo cloak, a heavy dark leather breastplate, and an ornate sword sheath hanging at his belt. His leather boots and gloves were thick and substantial, but jewel encrusted at the cuffs, whispering of nobility with little rubies and sapphires and emeralds and topazes. An amethyst stud was embedded in one earlobe, matching the bright purple of his watchful eyes.

"Do you ever wonder if these hummingbirds are the spirits of real hummingbirds, or if they're just substanceless figments of this realm?" he asked thoughtfully, watching their little iridescent green visitor curiously.

"No no, this is tea, not a flower," she chided as it hovered closer.

The redhead on the other hand looked as though she had tumbled out of a seamstress's dream. Her pink and purple dress was elaborate and ruffled, embroidered with floral patterns, pearls, and tiny bells. Her long hair, which was more a shade of pink brunette than true red, was held back with a large blue butterfly-domino, slipped up and onto her head. Her broach, earrings, and some of the needlework on her dress were also accented with bright blue in attempt to coordinate with her (some would think unnervingly) blue eye color.

"Both are just as likely, I suppose, though I like some things to be a mystery," she said, considering his question.

"As far as I've heard," the man went on, scooping a lump of sugar out of the pot and dumping it into his tea, "I don't think animals get to come to the Golden Fields. But I don't really like that thought, to be honest." He stirred the sugar into the tea for a moment and tapped the spoon on the side of his cup. "So I pretend they do. Anyway, you said you had something that we needed to discuss."

"It's just a different a department, Raer; don't fret for the hummingbirds too much," she teased, patting his hand as she spoke. "And yes actually. We've finally gotten some standing orders in this whole mess!"

"GOOD!" he barked with a suddenness that sent the hummingbird darting away. He winced and sat back, clearing his throat and stroking his pale stubble.

"Go on, Miss Abbey," he mumbled.

"We're to think of a plan," she said quietly and took a long sip of her tea.

Silence.

Raer stared blankly at her for a long moment. Birds twittered with blissful, almost silly ignorance.

"...If this was my war room," he finally said quietly, "I'd be pounding on tables right now."

He punctuated this with a very purposeful sip of his tea.

"We would flip them all first, I would think," she said.

He imitated jazz hands and mocked, "'Good luck guys, try to win.'"

"'Oh yes, also, pick up a pound of sugar while your at it, dearies,'" she added in an impression of the goddess that few could appreciate how spot on it was.

She sighed and stirred her tea with her spoon.

"At least they're busy bickering over how to manifest the Triforce and not sitting on their hands anymore. So we do have something to go off of. Who do we have on the ground?"

"I think you know," Raer replied with the slightest hint of humiliation, averting his eyes and scratching behind one ear.

"Who else," she said flatly.

"Nobody, not yet," he admitted. "Not that I'm aware of. I suppose we could - send Zelda?" he suggested hesitantly. "What with Link out of the picture and all."

She nodded.

"Yes, then when they have made arrangements for the Triforce, she'll be there and old enough to handle it. That sounds good. We can ask for volunteers. I don't think we've had to do one of these without Link in a while.

"Oh, but - oh, we forgot, remember?" he reminded vaguely. "After last time Zelda said she didn't want to be involved with this for - what with the - well, for her sake, let's not get into it. But she'll be spitting mad if we send her. Though I think I would at least like to have her on the ground. Just maybe not in the frayest of the fray?"

"The universe could possible unravel and your worried about the wrath of Zelda -"

"Think about that sentence you just said."

She tapped her temple thoughtfully.

"Well it is...rather unpleasant, but, you know, with the situation and all...oh, but- you're right. Not worth the risk. You know I love her, but I can't stand the woman when she's cross."

Raer said nothing on this, as it was his opinion that it was impossible to stand most women when they were cross.

"So then...who else?" he went on. "Are we really just going to ask for volunteers? Wouldn't that be...a little dangerous?

"Well we wouldn't ask idiots or Twili- I'm not suggesting an open call. What about the rest of your lot? Are they still around or have they unraveled yet?" she asked, looking into her teacup to find the information she sought. "Ah, yes, actually a couple have applied for round two or three of life."

"Well that's good," he remarked optimistically, glancing at the tea in her cup. "Oh, he'll be useful. And I forgot, there's still another one wandering around - and I'm sure would be glad to get a chance to stand in for Link."

She chuckled.

"He goes every Carnival of Time you know. He's done a remarkable job not making a liar out of me. I told them he would be mostly harmless..."

Raer gave his tea a little stir as his mind obviously drifted elsewhere. After a moment, his mouth set in a grim line.

"...I knew I should have killed that little Eric bastard when we had the chance," he suddenly growled. "Now look at him. He's making that Logan fellow look bad. Hell, he's making Ganon look bad."

"He's even making you look bad, but it's not a competition, dear."

Raer gave her a little sideways glare.

"Let's not talk about that."

She leaned over the table and kissed his cheek.

"You're cute when your cross."

He gave a gruff 'harrumph'.

"Back to Eric. That's what we're supposed to be discussing anyway," he pointed out a bit sharply. "Whatever lot we put together is going to have to be something else," the man went on. "He has all the advantages. We don't know half of what we need to about that damn mask of his or how it works. How can we battle a threat we don't know anything about?" The question was more rhetorical than anything. "I've never had to deal with anything like this before."

"Ah, you weren't hear for Majora, lucky duck. This thing is tribal too, but ancient. The only reason we don't know much about his is because no one dared put it on before. For good reason, I assume. I've asked Nayru about it before - me and masks you know - and she was always very tight lipped about it. With Farore missing though, its difficult not to jump to conclusion on what it's capable of. So lets start with your lot. They've done just fine without Link in past- granted, they had Glenn, but they're wild cards. We need some of that right now."

"Well, there's Conrad, although he's technically with Din, but I think we can find a way to lure him back to the ground on Nayru's side," Raer suggested. "Maybe if we promise to reunite him with Jihara?"

"...What if we just pitch it as not-sides? Not that luring him with den-mothers wouldn't work. Din and Nayru aren't fighting yet, although even without divine favor he is damn useful."

"You know how they are. They won't allow that for two seconds. They're like my twins, putting tape down the middle of the room. We'll have to get Conrad to switch somehow, but I think den-mother lures should do. I suppose the little one would have to come with him - the one Vidar was so fond of?" he went on, waving a spoon in the air as he spoke.

"Ah yes, another lovely lady he's stood up in the afterlife. Yes, I suppose. Her luck stats were very high last time around. She could have been Vriska even. Shall we throw in Mister and Missus Villainous? The blonde one and the little blind fellow? That would make for an interesting show, even if it doesn't work out."

"I think the little wizard would be very helpful in this electronically powered day and age we're operating inside," Raer pointed out with a nod. "And the Missus would keep him from going on a homicidal rage - he's really quite prone to those when left to his own devices, you know."

She nodded as he spoke.

"So we have a series of loose guns right now, and the only known person to be able to make them work as a team is sipping tea next to me."

"Yes. We should probably throw in Zed and his peacekeeping skills for good measure. Oh! Zed!" Raer perked up, indigo eyes wide with an idea. "Zed! Instead of Zelda! Yes! Their names are even similar! Maybe no one will notice!"

"You are brilliant. You are a brilliant, brilliant man! And we use Zed, then that means-" her face lit up and she began to clap. "My OTP! Oooh Din might even cooperate! You know Jekida is her third favorite!"

"Ah! Yes! Then there are two wielders together! That will be good. But who could possibly pull them all together?"

The heaviest question of all slowly settled upon them.

Silence.

Twitters.

Tea sipping.

Thoughtful finger-tapping and the light thrum of hummingbird wings.

"Ah...How about...that Holodrum girl?" Abbey put forth finally.

"Well, maybe. Let's think," Raer finally said. "Whoever it is, they're going to have to have good organizational skills and the ability to approach a large, complex problem rationally and humbly."

Already a face was materializing in both of their minds.

"They should probably be good at riddles - there are going to be lots of riddles, I've decided already - "

"Yes- riddles, I like those- " Off-topic she added, "Oh, you don't want to know who my tea is telling me Holodrum girl is. More paperwork than bringing Conny over."

"Mm... Yes, well...they should probably also have good social skills too. Yes, definitely. Something like myself. But with less of that - conquering instinct. That is definitely not a thing we need right now."

"Honestly most people qualified for this are already demi, but we're spread thin already and what with the politics - given the right situation, that coy scribe boy could pull it off, I think. Or am I being optimisitc?"

Raer looked at her apologetically.

"I'm afraid I don't remember who you're referring to."

Abbey leaned forward and tapped the rim of his teacup. The warm brown liquid rippled, and Raer watched as the face of a young boy appeared in it.

"Ohhhhhhh... Yes... Yes, I see. Yes, I think that would work very well..."


	2. Chapter 1

PN (Philip Note): The girls told me to give you this Youtube link here: /watch?v=DfAfPTo-910

Apparently it's essential for understanding a running joke. I don't get what's so funny. It's obvious that dog is just trying to get out of trouble by guilt-tripping its owners with a sad face. Everyone knows animals don't have feelings. God I hate those things.

Oh - oh Din, Irene's ferret heard me say that.

Don't you look at me like that you Satan beast. Don't you come anywhere near me! Get out! Hey! No! NO! BAD SATAN BEAST! STAY AWAY! NO! AH! GET OFF OF ME! BAD! BAD DEVIL SPAWN! AIIEEGH!

~Love (unless you're an animal and especially a ferret), Philip

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 1 - Meet Mr. Poe<span>

Kali jolted awake, dreams suddenly scattering far and wide. She blinked in the dimness, blind without her glasses, but nothing seemed out of place. She reached for her glasses anyway. The apartment was still, and her room was clear of whatever dream-threat had driven her from sleep.

Almost.

The sound of heavy footsteps made her freeze.

The figure came through the wall and her mirrored armoire: tall, medieval, and holding a lantern. Kali paled.

"Alright," he said in a very business-like way, putting his lantern on the dresser next to her old TV.

"Holy shit..." she mouthed.

There was a poe in her apartment. And not just a little purple poofda poe - a big, human, cloaky one. Not that she hadn't known they existed. On the contrary, they did, and their few appearances in history made the headlines and the textbooks. And now there was one in her room, towering and wedge-like with a mop of black hair, with a look on his face like he was about to start a conversation with her. So she did what any self-respecting and open-minded young Hylian would do.

She screamed and threw everything within reach at him.

Her nightstand clattered onto the floor. Her glasses case skittered across the hardwood. Her mug of pens went flying. One pillow, two pillows - the picture frame on her armoire crashed to the ground, and his baseball-sized lantern thunked at his feet.

"That's not really standard procedure for killing a poe," the poe said, kneeling, picking up his lantern and putting it back on the armoire, "but A for effort."

He perched on the edge of the dresser looking unbothered. He was rather un-poe-like, even for the cloaky variety - from what she knew of them and had seen on TV. He was Hylian, tall, plain, dressed in archaic traveling clothes, and a little see-through. But only a little. He was more person than poe.

"So help me if you're a rapey poe I will - I will end you. I will. You stay back!" she squeaked.

Kali believed that now was a good time to grab her slipper off the floor and brandish it, pink fluffiness and all. He chuckled with an edge of superciliousness. It echoed on nothing. He rubbed his brow with the palm of his hand.

"That would be seven layers of incest I don't even want to get into. So, can we just generate some calm and put the slippers down. I am a poe. Woop de do. Get over it."

"The slipper stays and...and...what do you want. Did you say incest?"

Kali was never particularly articulate when half-awake and doubly so when caught off-guard. Gentle reader, do not let this so terribly affect your opinion of her, for she was not at her best just then, and on a good day she is an aspiring and intelligent student in the studies of mythological history.

"You're one of my descendants… Well, actually, the only one," the poe explained with a shrug as though he wished he could skip this part. "Congratulations. So, anyway, I have some important things to tell you."

"Is this really happening."

"Yes."

"For real?"

"YES DINDAMNIT!" he snapped.

She squeaked and let out a tiny, tight-shouldered 'okay.'

He groaned.

"My goddesses. Are you related to Ariel, too? I- this is why I never bothered to talk to you before. But it's important. You're important. Kinda. Sorta. Just hear me out. I've got a deal for you."

"Do I have a choice?" she asked, still holding the pink slipper cocked near her face. Later she would realize how ineffective a slipper was as a weapon, but for now it seemed quite ideal.

"Kinda. So let's get this over with. My name is Vidar. I am your great something uncle, grandfather, cousin something. Okay. I was born in the year of Daltus the Fifth-"

"Wait. That was almost a thousand years ago. Poes don't last that long... I took a class..."

The childish affront came out of her mouth before she could process it.

"Yeah, I know. I've got my reasons and I've got my ways," he shoy back, tapping the lantern on the armoire. It was small, unusually so for a poe, and extravagantly ornate. It was also - with no doubt - stolen.

"So what do you want?" she pressed anxiously.

He leaped from sitting on the dresser up to the foot of her bed.

"People are so rude nowadays! I don't even- can't a man just finish his fucking story? It's not even a very long one!"

She squeaked and bit her lip, ducking her head between her shoulders. He plopped down huffily on the corner of her mattress. It was only then that she realized how outclassed she was, and that this wasn't just a poe; it was some sort of crazy Daltus V-level poe.

"So anyway, I was minding my own business when I was asked this favor. So I - stupidly - decided to do it. I don't know if you've noticed the insurgence of monsters and silly things out of whack - the Wolfos attacks, Death Mountain Crater becoming active, drought in Lake Hylia, blight in the Lost Woods."

"Those are natural disasters. Those happen sometimes," she said before ducking her head again sheepishly. At least he wasn't a rapey poe.

"See, you're a smart girl, but this is Hyrule. What do you expect? 'Oh no, it couldn't possibly be magic. Not the sparklemagic. Anything but that.' Coincidence is never the case in this country. If you want to cut the shit, move to Termina. Hell, try Holodrum; nothing fucking happens in Holodrum."

"Okay, okay, alright, so what sort of mystic sparklemagic is at work, Mr. Poe?"

"Farore is missing."

"Are you serious?"

"It's a right mess. You need to understand, when I get asked for favors, things are bad. Real bad. When things are down to me, Mr. Not-Good-Enough-To-Be-A-Demi-Poe, shit is bad. Do you understand?"

He gave an exasperated, imploring bob of one hand.

"I understand you in theory..."

"Good enough. So, okay, what does this have to do with you?"

The question was strangely unrhetorical.

"I…don't…know?"

"I'm getting to it now, pay attention," he snapped. "You know that string of robberies. The um, private collections?"

"I've read about them in the news."

He snapped his fingers and pointed at her.

"That's part of the favor I was talking about. I've been using you as a battery."

She stared at him with huge cow eyes.

"Battery?"

"Ah, yeah, my grave is sort of out in the boonies and the other power-points are out of the way, so a living descendant is the next best thing. Because a living person can move around... A cemetery can't... Also, I've had to posses you couple times...and need to a couple more times I think."

"What!" she squeaked.

"So the deal is that help agree to help me or... I posses you without asking more," he said, making a guilty sheltie face.

"That's not a choice!" she said, summoning some anger.

"Hey, hey, let's be calm!"

"You just told me you've been possessing me!"

"Only a little."

"And stealing things!"

"Only a litt- okay a lot. But not, you know, with you. Other people do that."

"What sort of undead vendetta are you on," she snapped. "I've read bad biographies like this. This whole Goddess thing is crap. You are crap. You are crap, you know this right?"

"Okay, I'm crap, you win. Moving on," he shot back easily. "The goddess thing is not crap. I am dead serious here. A lot of things depend on us getting things done. I thought it would be an errand I could do in a couple trips. Just borrow a body for a bit and done. No one hurt, no one the wiser, world slightly saved. But it's a much bigger favor than I thought. It's going to take a long time. And I need you on board if its going to work. I'm just a poe, and I can't spend two days on running back and forth to the suburbs of Castle Town every time I need a breather, and my - ah, associates - have recently moved to Lake Hylia City... And that's real nearby."

"So you possess me and then ask for my help. That is so backwards you don't even know."

"I don't posses people against their will... Except when I do... Never mind. It's not something I like to do."

"I'm going to school you know. I can't just...run around a be a poe battery puppet! I don't steal things either!"

"Haven't you always wanted to go on some kind of adventure? You people nowadays live so predictably; you all want adventure."

"No - no. You are crap. I don't have time for this."

"You know, if Farore wasn't missing and it was Nayru instead, it would be Mr. Hero of Time they'd be sending," he pointed out baitingly. "But no, this time it's you and me. This is important. You cannot understand how important this is. And I can't screw it up. If I screw it up, I have to deal with Raer. No one wants to deal with Raer."

"Wait, like, Green Hoody Hero of Time?" she spluttered, still stuck on the first bit.

"No, the one with red hair and the gem on his ass - yes of course that one. Keatons and Dekus."

"Okay... So we really have to save Hyrule."

"Yes."

"From what."

"No one is sure."

"That's...reassuring."

"But its going to be okay. There's a plan!" he chirped, brightening.

She leaned on her dresser and gave him a look. She found that if she just pretended he was a person, she was a little better able to keep a level head.

"Alright, whats the plan?"

"Well the team and I-"

"Team?"

"I'm just pulling strings, other people - normal nice people like you - are doing most of it, and they know even less about what's going on than you."

"Okay," she said, taking a deep breath. "So what have you been having them steal?"

"Old artifacts. Things older than I am. Been getting together a small weaponry cache for when the cavalry arrives."

"Okay. So we're just the middle men 'til the real people show up?"

"Yes. So its not like you...or me...are personally going to save the day. Just helping. So no pressure."

"That's reassuring actually."

"Tell me about it."

"So what is the rest of the plan?"

"One big last heist - last in the foreseeable future anyway. It's called the Rod of Memories. We need it to restore some memories of some people I guess. It shouldn't take _too_ long or be _too_ high-risk, though the planning and figuring out what to do with it afterward could take any amount of time. But you're on break."

"I have a job..."

"Do you want Death Mountain crater to blow? Wolfos running around downtown? A world without Farore and courage?"

"No."

"After we're all done, you'll never see me again. So you in?"

"Yeah, I guess... But since I am, there's not going to be any more possessing me-"


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - Pick-Up

"-...Right?"

Kali was sitting at a bus station with a loaded bag between her legs.

The note in her hand said: 0Nli a LiTal.

The handwriting was sloppy and some of the characters outdated. It took a moment for her to puzzle it out. When she finally did, a burst of rage struck her, and she suddenly muffled a scream and shook the paper in her hands.

Where was he?

She pulled the paper over her face. She didn't know the station and wasn't entirely sure where she was. She looked up. Still Hyrule; she could tell from the signs- 'Lake Hylia City Imports,' read one.

Her stomach dropped. She was all the way across the country. Lake Hylia was a lovely city, but it was miles from home. He had said his associates had moved there though, so she knew shouldn't be so surprised.

She un-crinkled the note in her hand and flipped it over frantically.

The back read: Sit Tit3. The krevv vvil KoLekt you. b0n't l3T tHem de asses. I'm bone foR a vvhiLe. 1f you neeb me I vvil halp. You kan do this. Don't looss the lantern.

Lantern was spelled correctly in modern type. She stared at it. Illiterate ghosts anonymous much?

"Bone for a while?"

It took her a moment to replace the b with a d in her mind.

"Done? He's done? What?" she squeaked.

The old man beside her scooted away from her a bit. A few other eyes were on her. Her face went cherry red and she hid her head between her shoulders and covered her face. Usually she would hide behind her dark hair, but it was up in a neat bun.

"Oh Nayru," she muttered.

*~[ Blondy & Blindy ]~*

A bit farther away from the train station, a tall, bulky, Aryan blond and a little, scrawny, carrot-haired man with sightless blue eyes came around the brick corner of the bakery, holding hands. They walked in silence, pressed close, shoulders touching.

It was he who finally broke the hush.

"He's lost it."

There was really no need to elaborate on who 'he' was. There was only one 'he' whose sanity was important to either of them.

"Oh I dunno," the blond replied with a shrug. "He could be worse. He hasn't you know, gone all megalomania 'let's go kidnap some Great Fairies' or anything. It's just a girl who can walk through walls. How is that not useful. I wish I could walk through walls."

She gave his hand a squeeze and scanned the crowds for the brunette girl she had been shown. "It'll be alright. Now where the crap is she?"

The two wandered through the crowd a little. It was kinda nice to just be out and about without a real mission. It was rare that the two of them were out together doing nothing important. She had been miffed when no other member of their little gang had stepped up to meet new girl. But she supposed it was better than Veronica killing her. She nearly giggled at the thought.

Kali was still sitting with her head drawn between her shoulders watching the station people hurry and eyed a shady-looking man in sunglasses and wondered if he was one of the people; he looked shady enough to steal things. But he got on the train and left.

_[Wave to the cute blond]_

Kali caught sight of the blond, and made awkward eye contact. She gave a little sheepish wave for no real reason that she could discern.

"Found her!" the blond chirped and pointed, tugging her friend along behind her. He gave a mistrustful grunt as he was dragged along and finally spoke again.

"I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I don't like it one _bit_. Not at all," he rambled a bit haughtily, suddenly quite talkative. "Walking through walls - is something only poes do. And I don't like poes. Therefore I don't like walking through walls. And I don't very much like new people at all, and we've had enough of that lately."

He sniffed and turned up his nose.

"Wouldn't it be funny if she can't walk through walls at all?" the blond interjected. "He will rip it out her ass if that's the case. That might be fun..." she said, trailing off creepily.

"And you know," he went on, "I don't very much like any of the things that have been happening lately and I am quite sick of it all. I don't like any of the people we're working with now, I don't like any of the jobs we're doing now, and the way he gets about certain things is just _strange_. Have you _ever seen_ someone so _hell bent_ on acquiring someone who was just plain _unnaturOWF!_"

CLANG!

The woman gave out a little cry of surprise. The sound of the carrot-haired man running into the bus sign was quite similar to the sound of most things running into most kinds of signs.

"Oh shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" she cried.

He reeled back, and immediately tears were rolling from his sightless eyes. He hyperventilated with sheer terror - everyone had seen that, everyone, everyone, they had all seen it, and now they were laughing at him, laughing in their heads, smiling where he couldn't see it.

She took him by the shoulders as he collapsed against her, his nose bleeding profusely, smearing a bit on her white blouse.

"Are you okay, I'm so sorry!"

She coddled him a little, trying to get a better look at his face.

"Here, tissue, here," she said, reaching into her pocket and jamming a tissue to his nose. "I'm so sorry!"

Kali stayed put and watched the scene from afar, blinking. Did she even really want to go with them?

[_Yes, yes you do._]

The carrot-haired man clung to his blond savior for a moment as she tended his nosebleed. He blinked away his tears, letting her care for him, and letting the knowledge of her affection seep in and comfort him. As his panic passed - leaving a profound misery behind - his senses came back to him. He reached out and quickly checked the signatures of the people around him. The incident had caused a general excitement. Nerves were alert and tingling, woken up by the sounds and sights. There were a few sympathetic glows here and there. One or two were pronouncedly unsympathetic. His grip on the woman tightened a bit, and he tried to shake it off.

And then there was one particular signature straight ahead of them that seemed more afraid than anything.

"I think I have terrified her..." he murmured weakly with a struggling attempt at a smile. "Maybe she will go away..."

"Naaaaw," the blond assured. "She's been making the same face since I spotted her. Maybe bug-eyed is just her natural state. Cheer up teacup; it's not like it's the first time I've walked you into something like a momma duck walking over a storm drain."

She fussed over him for a moment or two longer. He was squirming terribly.

"Hold still."

The blond wasn't sure how he had managed to get blood on his forehead, but she wiped it off and fixed his hair a little- not that it really looked fixed afterwards.

"There."

She patted his shoulder reassuringly and led him towards the girl and the bench with much more care this time.

When they reached her, the tall blonde chirped, "Hi," with no secret service fanfare. "You ready?"

"As ever," Kali murmured, pulling the backpack up. It showed on her face that it weighed more than she expected.

"I'm Kali," she introduced.

"Yep, I know. I'm Agatha. We spoke on the phone."

"Oh, oh, okay..." she said, trailing off spacily.

"This is Lloyd."

Agatha motioned to him. Kali gave a little wave.

"He's blind, no waving. You look dumb if you wave to blind people. Zora priests..."

Lloyd grinned, enjoying her embarrassment a bit too much.

"Oh."

Agatha decided that she liked this flighty broad. She could have so many funsies with leading flighty broads in circles.

"Shall we walk, then, Aggie, or will we be taking the subway?" Lloyd asked. He did not even have to go to his bookmarked subway schedule to know that, "there will be a car arriving in about ten minutes. We could catch it if we hurry."

"Subway," Aggie said without hesitation.

She took Lloyd by the hand once more and turned to leave.

"Come on Special K, let's move," she barked to Kali. "If you're like this on the job, I don't know what use your gonna be..."

The blond leaned towards Lloyd.

"If she doesn't get herself killed on the first run I'll give you my copy _Papilion's Last Stand,_" she whispered in reference to her boxset of the HBO historical miniseries - a favorite, and not something she would bet lightly.

Kali darted forward, but didn't even try to stick with them. She needed a little time to process how suddenly it was that she was no longer in her apartment, and what exactly she had not so concretely agreed to. She wondered how long it had been since her conversation in the kitchen with the poe. Her stomach dropped. She suddenly didn't want to know. That thought was too scary, so she decided to people-watch her collectors instead.

Agatha was tall and imposing, and as far as she could tell she hadn't been lying about Lloyd and the blind thing. The woman gave anyone who even looked at him for more than three seconds a death glare. Lloyd himself hadn't said or done much, but walked hunched over and scowling, close to the blond. It suddenly occurred to her to wonder why Aggie seemed to doubt her so much when there was a blind man on the team. She wasn't sure she wanted to know.

Kali looked down and reread the note a few times in her mind. The truth was, she didn't feel very reassured at all.

*~[ Zeze ]~*

Far on the other side of the city, on the edge of a fountain in the courtyard of the royal family cottage in Hylia, one little Hyrulian prince was contemplating something that had been on his mind for a long time. Sixteen: the magic number for young Hyrulian rulers.

After Prince Zedidiah's sixteenth birthday, he had been forbidden from splashing in puddles and playing in the mud and climbing trees and tearing his clothes. Sure, he had been 'forbidden' from doing these things before, but back then his servants had only chided him gently and reversed the damage. After his sixteenth birthday, they had begun to say, "You're sixteen now; you should be able to behave better than this."

For some reason, this had struck quite a deep chord in him. In all honesty, he did not want to grow up and be king, and he certainly did not like to be reminded of the inevitability of his fate. He did not want to be on television. He did not want to appear in public for every holiday. He did not want to give speeches. He related too much to those stories of princesses who hated being princesses. But, perhaps most of all, he did not want to see his sister get married away.

And so it was, that, just a few weeks past his seventeenth birthday, the melancholy of approaching adulthood was setting in extra hard for the little prince of Never Never Land. Not only had he passed the magic number of sixteen, but he had passed the next number too! This was simply not a happy thing, although he _had_ liked his birthday gift of rendezvousing at the royal cottage. But this was their last day, and in a matter of hours, he and his sister would be on a private train car on the way back to the castle- that terrible castle.

"Zelly?"

Zelda perked her ears and turned her head, shifting the small pool of golden hair that piled on her thin shoulders, her light eyebrows raised. One gloved hand left her knees and came down on top of his, sensing his discomfort.

"Yes Zed?"

"I want to be little again."

"We _are_ little, Zed," she laughed. "Not _very_ little, but still just a bit."

"I mean I want to be little enough to not be responsible again."

She smiled sympathetically, her blue eyes contemplating in silence. Her face shifted several times - shifts that were minute to a stranger, but clear as Lake Hylia to Zed. First came sympathy, then thoughtfulness. Then she was most definitely thinking. A slightly anxious expression next.

"It's too bad we're leaving soon," she finally said in defeat.

"I would have loved to explore the city," he admitted.

"We did."

"No, we didn't. Not really. We explored it like royalty."

"We are royalty."

"So!" he suddenly burst. "Come on, Zel! Haven't you ever wanted to experience things like a _real_ person? Haven't you ever just wanted to explore without a whole _caravan_ of guards following you around! Come on!"

"...Zed, don't you dare go getting any ideas," she suddenly said, recognizing the look in his eyes.

"Come on, Zel, think about it!" he cried, leaping off the fountain and throwing his arms wide. "Freedom! You get to do what you want! No one sayin' do this -" beat, "no one sayin' be theeeere! No one sayin'_ stop that_! No one sayin' seee heeeere- !"

"Stop it. Stop singing," Zelda ordered, standing and approaching him with her fists clenched at her sides. "This is not a thing to be singing about! It's dangerous out there!"

"So what?" he pressed, grinning in her face. "You can't tell me you've never liked a little _danger_. I _laugh_ in the face of danger. HA HA HA HA!"

"THIS IS NOT THE LION KING, ZED!" she suddenly burst, flailing her arms.

"Rawr."

"Do you remember what happens after that, Zed! Do you! That's when the hyenas come out and almost eat Nala and Simba! Seriously, Zed, it's just not an option!"

"Hmph!"

Zed pulled away from her, brushing the front of his shirt to smooth it out.

"Well, I'm gonna go do it, whether you like it or not," he informed her with a note of finality.

"_Zed_, you _can't_!" she cried anxiously. "It's _dangerous_! You could get lost! And Father will skin your hide when you get back!"

"I'd be okay with that, really," he admitted with a shrug. "It'll be worth it."

"Ugh!"

She let out a cry and tilted her head back, eyes welling with tears of frustration. Sometimes, she couldn't stand her brother.

"Fine. I'm coming with you."

He turned and grinned at her over his shoulder, and she knew that this was what he had been working towards all along.

"You're the best, sis."


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 - The Notably Un-Great Escape of Two Little Hyrulian Sovereignlets

"Don't forget... We really can't stay long..."

"Yeah, yeah," Zed replied distractedly, not having really heard her.

The normally long-haired, blue-eyed boy had chosen to make himself a handsome young Sheikah, who, to her exasperation, didn't really look too different from his normal self. 'Who's looking for a prince?' he said. He had the same slender, pointed nose and thin pink lips- he was even the same 5'10 height. She, however, had chosen the guise of a small, brown-eyed blonde with shoulder-length pigtails and a blue, flower-print dress.

"Wowwwwwwwwww," he murmured lowly under his breath, spinning slowly in the square with an idiotically huge grin.

"You've seen this all before," she pointed out flatly.

"But not like this!" he cried.

"Hey, look a store!" the boy said suddenly, pointing at a Deku Dollar that looked a little lost among all the much larger, nicer buildings.

"That's a convenience store -"

"Let's go in!"

He yanked her by the wrist towards the Deku Dollar and pushed on the door.

It didn't budge.

"Is it locked?" he asked quizzically, peeking into the glass. "It looks open."

Zelda's shoulders slumped in exasperation as he pushed the door again.

Push.

Pushpushpushpushpush -

She grabbed his shoulder hard.

"What?" he asked innocently, blinking.

She pointed to the PULL sign on the glass, then yanked it open.

"Oh."

After which Zed quickly discovered he was a terrible germaphobe and Zelda nearly had to carry him out of the store.

After a while, even Zelda had to admit that the city was a wondrous place. She had never seen regular Zoras up close before, but there they were, just wandering around. She wondered if they should go see the nearby Zora's Domain, but she knew their people weren't very accomodating to visitors and they would have had to brought a bathing suit.

A huge Goron lumbered past them like a living boulder - larger than any man she had ever seen. His great footsteps shook the sidewalk as he passed, sending a little thrill through the twins, and they clung to each other with tight little grins and bitten lower lips.

Zed coaxed his sister into Keaton's Games, where he trounced her and a few others at DDR a couple times. Zelda wandered off a little miffed and discovered a talent for the claw game and ski ball. They made a quest out of winning plushies of themselves and left the arcade with their new friends Mini Zed and Mini Zel- as well as a fluffy Keaton doll that they still hadn't settled ownership over.

They went to a pizza buffet with their prizes and Zelda discovered an unstoppable love for pizza. She demanded more 'exquisite' commoner food and they ran around from street vendor to street vendor trying everything they had to offer. She discovered cheeseburgers and cheesesteaks and hotdogs (also corndogs, but she decided to repress that memory) and gyros and roasted nuts and popcorn and french fries and sodas and ketchup and mustard, and milkshakes and ice cream and snow cones and sherbet and more ice cream and more ice cream - she was surprised at the sheer amount of ice cream flavors - and they ate until she thought her stomach might pop.

The latter half of the day they mostly spent at Lake Hylia National Park, and, more specifically, on a bench at Lake Hylia National Park where Zelda was recovering from the worst stomach ache she could remember with her head in her brother's lap. Zed, however, was discovering the wonders of popsicles and occasionally dripping on her hair, but she didn't notice so he didn't say anything.

"I feel sick," she groaned.

"It'll pass Zellyboo," he assured off-handedly.

She groaned again, closing her eyes and listening to bird song and goose squawk.

"You know, it's funny..." she mused with a note of ramble-inducing exhaustion. "We visit these places plenty often... I mean, heck, we're staying at a cottage not a quarter of a mile from here. But, somehow, it all feels different and new."

"Cuz we're doing it like normal people do it. Like people should do it."

She sighed happily despite the raging war in her intestines.

"This- this has been nice, Zed."

"Mm-hmm."

He smacked noisily on the popsicle.

"We should do it more often," he suggested.

"Well I never said that."

"You just said it was nice," the boy pointed out dryly.

They then got into a squabble over logic and semantics versus implications, which Zelda settled by punching him in the stomach.

"OOF! Okay."

"Good."

She went back to using him as a pillow and closed her eyes again.

"You know, if you wanna do more," he said suddenly, "we're gonna have to get movin'. It's almost three and we need to be back before dark."

"Yeah."

"You feelin' better enough to get goin'?"

"I think so. You ready?"

"Whenever you are."

She stood and rubbed her stomach a little, which somehow soothed it. Then they wandered back to the edge of the city, although there wasn't much they could do with what time they had. So they simply walked and people watched in silence, plushies in hand.

"Oooh, can we ride the subway!" he asked suddenly, grabbing her elbow.

"What!" she squeaked. "You've heard all the stories of the terrible things that happen on subways!"

"Aryll, come on. You and me- we're noble Hyrule blood. I don't think anybody could do anything bad to us if they tried," he said with a sly laugh, holding up one hand and conjuring just the tiniest little flame in his palm.

She sighed, and supposed that he was right enough for her to not feel like making an argument out of it. But it when they got far enough through the crowd to see the turnstiles and the people swiping cards before passing, it then occurred to them that they had no idea how one went about riding the subway.

"Uh oh," Zelda muttered, though she had to admit she felt a little vindicated.

"Uhhh -"

Zed held his sister's arm again, staring warily at their formidable turnstile opponents.

"Hey, no worries! We'll just ask someone! Look over there! He looks nice."

Crap.

"You can't even see his face Zed. You just like redheads and blonds-"

But he was already marching away to the small, red-haired man holding hands with a tall blond woman. The woman didn't look particularly savory, but someone who was holding hands was probably in a good mood at least. He tugged on the red-haired man's shirt sleeve.

"Hi!" he chirped. "I was wondering - see, I'm not from around here - could you tell me how to get past these turnstiles?"

When the young man turned to look at him, Zed hiccupped with shock at his sightless blue eyes.

"No, I'm afraid I've never learned how," he replied a bit coldly.

"Then how do you -" Then he realized that, being blind, someone had always done it for him, and that he would have to talk to the very same unsavory blond that he had been glad to get around. "Okay, well, thanks anyway! Uh... M-miss?"

He grinned a huge grin at her. She looked back from the little machine she was handling, spotted him, and glared hard.

"Could you - tell me how you ride this subway?"

"First you have to get a card from this machine," she began surprisingly civilly for the nasty look on her face, "and then pop it through the slot in the turnstile."

Now see, in a world of politics and figureheadism, what Zed thought was appropriate to do next would have been right. But in the real world - the world of normal people - smiling and holding your hand out for a congenial shake was not really what most people would consider placating.

"Alright. Thank you ma'am!"

He stood with his hand out, grinning his practiced butter-melting grin.

Station bells. Bustling. Clattering. A teenage girl talked on her cellphone too loudly. A female recording came on over the intercom.

"Oookay..." the blond woman said slowly.

She maneuvered herself and her blind charge away from him. A third one, a thin girl with black hair in a neat bun, gave him him a confused look and tailed nervously after the other too.

A thick cloud settled over Zed. He watched her, his smile slowly falling into a shattered frown. Zelda came up next to him.

"W-...Wha'd I do?" he squeaked.

She patted his shoulder comfortingly.

"You made a fool of yourself, that's what you did."

"Bwuh?"

Lloyd gave Agatha's hand a squeeze of request and curiosity.

"Did something happen?"

"The Sheikah kid like tried to shake my hand and stuff... Weird." Agatha screwed up her nose. "Like almost Quill-level weird. Not quite, but damn close."

"Who's Quill?" Kali interjected.

"You'll find out soon enough and regret it, don't worry."

"Well," Lloyd chipped in, "he said he wasn't from around here... But he didn't have an accent... Hmm... Ah, well. Hyrule's a big place... With magical things...which never helps..."

He shrugged, deciding he didn't really care, and let Agatha lead him through the gate and onto the muffled train car. In the back of his head, he was tracking the two signatures through the crowd. How odd. They had asked how to get on the subway, as if they had needed to get somewhere. But now they were leaving again.

Oh well. This was Hyrule, and anything was possible.

He sat on one of the sparsely cushioned seats, still holding Agatha's hand. The young man yawned and let his head sink onto her shoulder. Now was as good a time as any to catch a little catnap, he supposed.


	5. Chapter 4

IN: Irene here. I know my dad Philip usually does these, but he's in the hospital right now after my ferret attacked him. I can't IMAGINE why she'd do something like that.

(Psst, that was sarcasm.)

Anyway, you'll notice Sparklespam 1 and Sparklespam 2 are in this chapter. Don't tell Juna and Sab that I told you this, but if I were you, I wouldn't even try to figure out what they're up to just yet, because it's only going to get more confusing before it's cleared up. They're Nayru demis like that...

- Something milder than outright disgust and contempt,  
>Irene<p>

* * *

><p><em>Too often we are cursed for not interfering enough<br>not helping enough  
>not caring enough<br>And maybe it's true  
>maybe we don't<br>But maybe there's a reason for that  
>Maybe you'd ask us not to<br>if we did._

Chapter 4 - 500 Years Ago: Eric

Eric placed a hand on the corner and took just a small step forward so that his sharp gray eye just barely pierced into the hall beyond. The two heavy, wooden doors slammed shut. The little red-headed pirate girl turned around and stood at attention, shoulders back, fist tight around her glaive.

He stepped out from behind the corner.

"Hey."

She froze and widened her eyes at him. A grin curled over his face, showing too many teeth.

"What are you guarding, little girl?" he sneered as he crept down the hall toward her.

"This is- this is Lord Logan's meeting room. Nobody- nobody is allowed entry right now. He's seeing a private guest."

"Is that so?" he purred, reaching her and leaning over her.

"On Lord Logan's orders!" she barked too quickly and loudly.

"Oh, no need to tell me twice!" he replied congenially. "Who is it?" the boy asked sweetly, grinning in her face.

"His-his name is Lord Raer."

"Oh? Where does he hail from?"

"I don't know -"

"Why is he here?"

She bit her lower lip nervously.

"I-Idunno, I -"

Suddenly, he lunged forward and grabbed a fistful of the orange-red hair on top of her head. He yanked her close and roared into her face.

"TELL ME WHY HE'S HERE!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" she shrieked. "POLITICS! POLITICS!"

He snarled at her for a moment longer, boring into her wide, terrified amber eyes, searching for a lie. But she only stared back dumbly, transfixed with fear, tears silently sliding down her cheeks. Then, he relaxed, and his fingers came open, releasing her.

"Huh."

She was telling the truth. No getting around it.

He turned and ran back down the corridor, leaving her in shock.

Eric zipped through the compound on light feet. The halls suddenly seemed so unfairly long, the fortress hopelessly big. He burst into the sunlight, then down a long flight of stairs and shot across the grounds.

Here. About time. He yanked open the door to potential merchandise storage- perhaps the most underused room in the entire compound.

He slunk inside, through the crates and containers, and climbed on top of a crate, then a barrel. He wobbled and held his arms out for balance. Then he reached up and lifted the grating from the vent in the wall, and hoisted himself into the air ducts, grunting and kicking.

The shafts were cold, windy, and claustrophobic. Even on his stomach there were ducts that he couldn't squeeze into. The fans roared in his ears, and the dust and coldness brought tears to his eyes. His dark hair whipped across his cheeks and nose, stinging him, blinding him. His fingers were numb with cold and his knees felt raw beneath his breeches. But he pressed on.

When he came to the throne room, the lithe, blonde man he had spied going in was speaking, his voice loud and clear. Eric dropped onto his stomach and crawled to the grating of the high wall vent, peering through the bars and listening.

"...am an economic man such as yourself, Lord Logan, and, I too, have only come into power as of the last year - and not always by the fairest of play.

"Now, it's not common knowledge about how you got to where you are... But seeing as I've done the same thing - it takes one to know one, does it not? And I think you and I are of very like minds...and that, if we were to combine - you with your Termina and myself with my Labrynna -... We could do much more than we could apart... We could take on much bigger enemies...Take on -...and assimilate -...enemies such as...the fair and prosperous land of Hyrule?"

Eric narrowed his blue eyes, a tiny smile curling over his face. Oh, how fun! Another overlord! This was going to be entertaining no matter which way it went. And who knew? Maybe if he kept waiting - waiting and watching - then maybe - no, certainly! - he could find a way to work this all to his advantage. What fun, what fun!

He bit his lip, still smiling as he watched intently.

The darkness beside him suddenly began to glow softly and silently, little orbs of pink and purple and blue coming together gently. Subtle, as far as sparklemagic went. But Eric did not see, and still he did not see as the magic became a pixie-like, red-haired woman, leaning on her sharp elbows and propping up her chin and smirking

He ignored the freezing sensation that gripped one side of his body where she touched him, assuming it to be more ventilation. But suddenly, a voice was in his ear, light and kind, like the tinkling of bells on the wind.

"Whatcha doin' Mr. Mouse King? Spyin'? Anything good?"

Eric started violently. He grabbed his mouth to keep himself from shrieking and locked his muscles to refrain from making too much of a ruckus with his flinching.

She ignored him and leaned forward to peek through the bars, then smirked as she saw Raer beyond. Wouldn't he be miffed if he knew that she had shown herself to Eric! She shifted with the faintest echo of tiny bells and looked at the boy, the tiniest bit smug.

"You know it's not polite to eavesdrop, right?"

He turned on the her with a snarl, hand already at his knife. Though she was pale, he immediately jumped to the conclusion that she must have been a nosy Gerudo- a half-breed maybe? A mutant? Whatever. He had no idea how Gerudo genetics worked and he didn't care. He also had no idea how she had gotten there, and he didn't care about that either. What he did know was that it would be in her best interest to haul skinny Gerudo ass out of there. Fast.

"You'd better get out of here before I throw you to the Desbrekos, you little whore," he growled.

He would probably end up throwing her to the Desbrekos later anyway. But that was beside the point.

However, she only giggled at him, a schoolgirl's giggle, then smiled with a menacing air.

"I would like to see you try," she said and nudged him with her hip. "The Desbrekos wouldn't know what to do with me. Besides, I don't think you should be here either, should you. And don't go for the knife -"

Her pleasant and soft voice fell to cold steel.

"I could rip you apart with a thought, and I don't even think Miss Nayru would mind."

But Eric didn't hear much of what she said. He was deaf and trembling with rage. How dare she talk to him like that! And then she was threatening him! Oh, she would learn to know better.

He whipped the knife out of its sheath and pulled it back with what little space the vents allowed. He reached out with his other hand to take a handful of her red roots.

The knife came down with all of his force and plunged into her skull.

But there was no blood. No scream. No resistance of her innards against the blade. She didn't even flinch. The blade was lodged to the hilt, angular above one eye on her brow, like a spade in clay.

Eric's eyes widened. His heart pounded. His hand trembled.

For once in his life, stabbing things hadn't solved his problems.

"Owch," she said pathetically with a quivering pout. "No wonder the mice don't like you."

His voice shook as he spoke.

"What -... Who -..."

And then she lunged, hand darting to his face. But there was no violence in her intention. Her fingers touched his cheek.

A sudden shock of lightning tore into his mind.

Sanity.

Pure and simple sanity coursed through him, coupled with the power of forced and biased reflection of his life and actions. Laina. Atris. Keith - all the innocent people he had hurt, maimed, and killed, without even knowing their names. And a strange, foreign feeling: regret.

Regret.

Regret so deep that it clawed his insides, that tears burst from his eyes. The knife clattered to the flooring of the ducts, and he rolled onto his back, sobbing and crying out into his hand. The flash was gone then, as sudden as it had come. But still it tingled, too recent. He flipped onto his stomach and shoved his teeth against the inside of his elbow to muffle a mournful wail. He hiccupped and punctuated each gasp with a confused and fearful whimper.

"I'll do it again," she promised.

He lay where he was and gasped and whimpered.

"You should leave here, and know that the current guests and every woman in this fortress are under my protection. I will be watching."

He hiccupped again and curled up as though he hadn't heard her..

"Now go."

And then the sobbing was quickly quiet and the pain dying. He waited a moment, letting the hurt fade. He propped himself up on his elbows. But he had no intentions to leave.

Maybe he would have, if she had also left. Maybe he would have crawled back, curled up in his covers, continued crying there, and not given the guest a second thought. Maybe he would have even left the Gerudos alone out of fear of her. But this strange spirit had made one fatal mistake.

She had challenged him.

He took one last recollecting breath and turned a white hot glare to her, his gray eyes burning through his dark bangs.

"Make me," he rasped.

She stared at him with a mixture of regret and anger.

"So it seems I must."

She raised one hand. A flash, a crack, and suddenly Eric was alone, belly down on dusty floorboards.

He was limp with shock for a moment. He realized slowly that he was no longer in the air ducts- nor even the fortress. Instead, he was somewhere old and forgotten, choked by dust and only faintly lit by low-burning candles. Insects scampered freely on the floorboards, clicking, unafraid.

He sat up and looked around, taking in the two doors on opposite walls and the staircase that led down to another floor.

Rage suddenly exploded in his chest.

That bitch. That whore. She thought she could stop him? He'd make her see. He'd find her and tear her apart. No matter what. Even if stabbing her did nothing, he would find a way. He always found a way. He always found a way!

A dry, rattling sound came from the corner. He whirled around, and his eyes met the glow of a Stalchild's.

Eric let out a strangled scream and charged, even without his knife. His fingers plunged into its ribcage and tore apart the brittle bones. His other hand grabbed the skull and ripped it off of the neck. Its teeth clattered with distress, the hands left on the body flailing to find its head again. He smashed the pelvis with a kick. Then he threw the skull on the ground and crushed it under his boot with a resounding, splintering, CRRUNCH!

The remains of the splintered skeleton fell still. He panted where he stood, looking down

Silence.

Then he turned his face to the sky and let out a blood-curdling screech.

"III'LL KIIILL YOOOOUUUUUU!"


	6. Chapter 5

IN: Irene here. Dad's still in the hospital. The two misses asked me to apologize for the long wait for them for the dry spell. I'm not going to do that, but I'm going to tell you that they asked me to. Seems to work just as well to me. Although, I'm not even sure _who_ I'm apologizing to. Helloooo? (Echo, echo, echo...)

Anyway, Sab said to say something about this 'real life' thing she keeps talking about. I don't know what it is, but it sounds like a bunch of crap if you ask me.

- Something slightly milder than outright disgust and contempt, Irene

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 5 - Welcome to The Family<span>

'_We are now arriving at destination Station 18C on Mullipark Avenue. Please be sure to gather all of your belongings before exiting the train. Hyrule Metro System is not responsible for any personal items or belongings that are lost, stolen, or destroyed. If you have any questions or concerns regarding..._'

They walked for a long while in the industrial park before anyone addressed Kali. Her hands were shoved in her pockets and her head low and timid, but while she was still a fish out of water, she had to admit she felt a little tingle of excitement at playing not-quite-thief-hero.

"Okay Rule One, kid;" Agatha began, "don't piss off the fearless leader...or anyone for that matter."

"Okay."

"Rule two. REALLY don't piss him off."

"Rule three, don't make eye contact with the Sheikah. Just...don't. Don't talk to him unless he talks to you, and don't ask dumb questions. Do that and he's harmless.

"Rule four. Always knock and don't touch anything if it ain't yours."

"Okay."

"Alright," the blond said as they came to a warehouse.

She pulled out a key and unlocked the door, letting them in. To the left of the entrance, the building was big and empty with a few work benches and a massive echo. A small Sheikah was elbow-deep in the innards of a jeep, clanging and clacking amplified by the bare walls. To the right was a door with carpet poking out the bottom, speaking promises of areas with actual furniture.

The Sheikah stopped what he was doing and looked up at the trio.

"Shit just got interesting," he said with a note of pleased disbelief at Kali, before looking her up and down.

Kali made a face and decided that not talking to the Sheikah was probably a good rule.

_[He's all bark]_

"Womanizer," Aggie snapped.

"Whore."

She huffed, and he went back to work on the jeep.

"Rule five, stick up for yourself," she muttered. "I'm not gonna do it for you forever."

Lloyd looked intent and alert for a moment, then turned to Kali.

"Perhaps it is best that Conrad and Veronica aren't here at the moment," he said ambiguously to her. "You will meet them later." He then added under his breath, "Unfortunately for you."

He moved his hand to Aggie's elbow and spoke directly to her.

"Will you take me to my room? Then, perhaps you should introduce her to the boss. I think he would like to meet her."

"Yep, sure," Aggie chirped. She took him towards the back, still holding his hand. "Imma gonna come chill later, kay? I don't want to watch when V and C get back..."

Kali looked after them nervously.

Suddenly, the Sheikah spoke.

"Been a long time."

He punctuated the statement with the thunk of the jeep's hood. Kali took a little step back, not sure what to make of it.

"I-um I dunno...what-"

_[Just let me do this.]_

And then suddenly she was half across the room and, as far as she could tell, the red-eyed man was laughing for no reason and bracing himself on a work table.

"How did you do that?" Aggie suddenly asked from behind her.

"Idunno?"

"I'm gonna take you to the boss then..." she said, leading her away from the laughing Sheikah by the elbow. She was a little afraid that he had finally cracked. He always had that manner about him... You never could tell with dark magic types.

"Remember, be polite; don't piss him off."

She knocked and waited.

There was a muffled voice from the other side, and suddenly Agatha shoved Kali through the door and slammed it behind her. Then she was in an office that smelled of warm chai tea, standing across a huge desk from a tiny, tan strawberry blond boy in a huge, peppered gray office chair that threatened to swallow him.

He did not look at her for a long time, so she took the chance to try and figure out exactly what she was looking at. She had expected someone like Christopher Walkens or Nicholas Cage. But this kid didn't come close. He seemed to be little more than skin and bones and whatever was needed to hold them together- and not even much of that. His strawberry blond hair was carefully flattened and pressed in a style straight out of a magazine. She couldn't decide if he was a transvestite or not because she didn't pay much attention to the ifs and buts of cross-dressing and because she wasn't sure if mid-riffs like the dark gray one he was wearing were still strictly female clothing.

He sat on one leg to look at the laptop on his desk and punched in a few keys with one hand, as the other hand was occupied by a fluffy, cinnamon-blond chihuahua which was looking at her with its furry ears pricked and its dark brown eyes wide. He scrolled a bit, clicked the touch mouse, and scanned the screen. He picked up the chai tea latte and sipped on the green straw as he read. He put it down and scrolled again.

"Oh look, this one's about us," he remarked, but whether he was speaking to her or the dog she couldn't tell.

Soon, he seemed to reach a point where he wouldn't inconvenience himself too much by pausing. He sipped on the tea, then turned his gaze to her, and suddenly under the soul-crushing pressure of his turquoise eyes she felt as though she were half his mouseish size.

His straw made an uncomfortable slurping sound. He put the cup down with a hollow, styrofoam '_tup_'.

"Welcome and good evening, Miss Kali," he finally said. "My name is Cody Drake."

He cleared his throat, stared at her for a moment longer, then went back to the laptop.

"Now before we start, I would like to get to know you a bit. What kinds of things do you like to do, Miss Kali?"

_[Be professional.]_

She wasn't sure if it was the influence of the poe or her brain processing that the boss was a tiny gay boy with a chihuahua.

"I'm a librarian and I'm a history major with a minor in linguistics... I did roller derby for a while - I won't get into that... I like to keep my private life private, if you don't mind. I've done a few jobs myself in the past few months, but it's kinda exciting to work with other people now."

It all came out of her mouth sounding like her, even the syntax and stress, but she certainly wasn't saying them. Kali didn't like that at all. She liked that even less than losing two minutes in the conversation with the Sheikah. Panic started to rise, tingling in her belly and pushing up into her dry mouth and starting a stress headache.

_[Calm down, deep breathes]_

She somehow proceeded to take a few deep breaths.

Cody raised an eyebrow.

"I never mentioned your private life," he said. "I asked you about what you like."

He glanced back to the laptop and clicked open another page.

"I assume you like books, if you're a librarian? I like books myself."

_[Ramble about the books. You're good at that.]_

So she did.

"Yes, I'm a rather big fan of anthrocosmic approaches to fairytales and mythology. I'm a big fan of Jung and others, but I also have a a huge fangirl lust for surrealist stuff but also for regency romances..."

A little happy smile sprouted on his face.

_[Oh Din... Mention Mr. Darcy. Do it.]_

"...I've always had this thing for Mr. Darcy..."

This wasn't really true, she likedColonel Brandon better; it just felt like the right thing to say. She was more of a _Sense and Sensibility _girl, really.

"I have to admit that I have always loved Mr. Edward Ferrars _much_ more."

He stopped on the subject of Mr. Edward Ferrars here. The _reason_ why he loved Mr. Edward Ferrars was something he was pretty sure that this poor little newbie did not want to hear upon meeting him. (That was, by the way, that Mr. Edward Ferrars seemed the type that was easily dominated in bed.)

"But I adore each of her characters for what they are. Unless they're meant to be hated. But even then I admire her ability to twist her audience's perception of the character in question. She was quite the wonderful writer..."

He sighed happily, still smiling.

"But enough about our mutual secret fangirlism for Miss Austen and her work. I'm sure you're not who you are today simply by loving Mr. Darcy. And no, I am still not asking for a back story. I am just wondering what your passions are."

Her passions? She thought for a moment.

"My greatest passion I suppose - don't laugh - is school. Curiosity will kill the cat someday, I guess... I think it's what got me into all - this..."

She gave a general wave meant to include her possessions as well.

"I like to know things; I like to have things under control. I like to know what's on the other side of things. I think I would have liked to have been an explorer back in the day, you know? I dunno if that made any sense. Most of my passions are trivial, I guess.

"...

"I suppose you wanted me to say stealing things, didn't you."

She scratched the back of her neck. He slowly grinned.

"No. Not at all. A person whose passion is stealing things is known as a kleptomaniac. Kleptomaniacs are not very useful."

Click. Scroll.

"The useful ones are the ones who know that in order to get anywhere in this world, you must know everything you can. And you have proven to me just now that you are included in that group- unless you are fantastically playing me, for which I would have to commend your skill anyway."

He finally closed his laptop, and looked at her, scratching behind the chihuahua's ear.

"I never went to school a day in my life. But in the absence of public education I have devoured every shrapnel of knowledge that has come by my feet down the location of rummage sales. I have educated myself in as many things as possible, pertinent and useless. Would you believe me if I said that a good bit of my portion of the money we make goes into textbooks? While the internet is good for general knowledge, and encyclopedias serve as a sort of index for the universe, it is from textbooks that you can learn the most extensively."

He looked down at the tiny dog and scritched under her chin.

"So in that aspect you and I are very alike. This pleases me. But for the exact same reason, it makes me wary of you."

He looked at her from the tops of his eyes and smiled.

"I suggest you speak wisely until I trust you."

_[Be charismatic again... I dunno if you can do that, but do it.]_

She smiled back.

"I'm not much of a mastermind; I wouldn't worry. And I don't mean that in like a weird reverse psychology way. I just have loans to pay back and can walk through walls."

Vidar balked a bit when she reverse-pulled information out of him. He hadn't told her that wall-walking-through was what she was hired for, and neither of her collectors had managed to say anything about it in earshot. Kali didn't think anything of it and just chalked it up to more poe influence. She was approaching giddy with nervousness now.

Cody only laughed, a harmless, honest little laugh.

"That has been my conclusion thus far. But there is a possibility for anything. It is difficult to get by me, but that doesn't mean that there isn't someone out there who can do it."

Then he smiled, took another dry slurp from the chai tea, tossed it into a trashcan, and held up the blond, long-haired chihuahua, who had been silent and mostly still for the duration of the meeting.

"This is my girl Pandora. I suppose Agatha did not take the courtesy of introducing you to my other babies? Come, I'll show them to you."

He held the chihuahua against his chest with one arm and pushed himself out of his chair, walking past Kali. She followed him out of the office. It was strangely comforting to know that he, unlike most of the crew so far, seemed non-crazy. It meant something in her book if animals liked a person. They were generally better judges of character than most people. Generally.

Quill caught sight of them and started snickering again, repeating something about some girl named Ari under his breath and almost starting to laugh all over again.

Creeper.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 - Growing Pains

The boss's number of animals surprised Kali. Maybe her idea of thief boss gang leaders was just over influenced by twenties Gerudo films. She considered herself pleasantly surprised.

They first went to the room next to the office, a quaint little dark-green bedroom with a white-curtained window and a cherrywood motif for the chest of drawers and the bookshelf and the bad and the nightstand- except for the two dog crates beside the chest of drawers.

Cody only had to open the door for two dogs to come streaking out of the dog crates: a great, russet and gray wolfdog much bigger than Cody himself and a dark, mottled shelte. Both threw themselves into the boy's arms. Pandora leaped to the safety of the floor and hovered nearby with a touch of irritated jealousy.

"These two are my first and dearest," he explained, tilting his chin so he could speak around their tongues. "I found them running together back a few years ago. I think Badger, this big one, is older, and I'm pretty sure he's got some wolf in him. He's good-natured, but he bites when you stand over him - in Dog, that's a challenge - or if you look him in the eye too long, or put your hand where he's feeding. But other than that, feel free to love and cuddle on him. He is a good cuddler. As for Boomer, he would only bite you if he thought you were putting yourself in danger. He is definitely a sheltie and will probably stalk you more often than not."

With Badger, Boomer, and tiny Pandora at his heels, he led her next to the pet room, where a scarlet macaw was whooping a choppy version of "Bad Romance." She trailed off when he entered and cried, "Hello!"

Cody made his way to her cage and held out his wrist for her. She squawked again, fanned her wings, and hopped on.

"This darling girl is Rita. I found her left alone in a house that had been evacuated for forest fires and later mostly burned down. I was amazed she was alive. But she's a sweet girl now. Here, have a pet."

"Hello!" she cried again.

Once Kali had given the macaw a tentative stroke on the head feathers, he exited the pet room with her still on his wrist.

"Now... Where is Ticket... Probably in the kitchen..."

A scarlet macaw on his wrist, a chihuahua at one heel, and a wolfdog and a sheltie at the other, he led Kali to the kitchenette. A tiny gray tabby was curled up on one of the off-white the counter. Cody sighed and scooped him up with his one free hand.

"How many times have I told you..." he murmured to the kitten, who mewed and flexed its claws in the air.

Cody let him rest on his other shoulder, away from Rita.

"Ticket is our newest addition. I found him a couple months ago in a storm sewer. He was only six weeks old. Pandora-baby takes care of him though."

Indeed, Pandora was looking anxiously up at her adopted child, feathery tail wagging. Cody set the little scraggly tabby on the ground. Pandora wasted no time licking its head. Badger put his huge nose close to sniff the kitten. Pandora growled and let loose a brief storm of furious, squeaky, chihuahua barking until the much bigger dog had backed away with his tail between his legs.

"He's very small and a bit sickly," Cody explained with a wave of a bony hand. "I imagine because of the conditions I found him in. Poor darling was just about dead really. I thought he wasn't going to make it, but after Pandora got a whiff of him I couldn't pull the two apart..."

Kali crouched down and held out her fingers to chihuahua and son.

"Ski ski ski!"

Meanwhile, what the animals were saying:

"[Come on, just a little sniff!]" Badger whined. "[I'm not gonna eat it.]"

"[How should I know that?]" Pandora snapped.

"[Does Badger ever eat cats?]" Boomer asked earnestly, pricking his furry ears and cocking his head.

"[THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!]"

Ticket used his mother's fury as a chance to escape from the big scary new human and disappeared in the way cats were wont to do.

"[On the contrary, I think it is the point!]" Rita chirped. "[But I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter, because there goes Badger's lunch!]"

Pandora yipped and bounded after Ticket as fast as her short legs would carry her.

"[OH MY GODDESSES SMALL THINGS MOVING FAST]"

And there went Badger. Boomer's own legs twitched to chase after the three. But there was a new addition to the human flock to check out. He trotted to her and sniffed her fingers. He licked them twice.

Back in the human scope of things, Cody sighed.

"Badger, you big idiot. Hold on, I have to make sure they don't hurt each other."

Cody pushed past Kali and after the wolfdog/chihuahua/kitten trio. Kali took the opportunity to smother the sheltie with all the pets and scratches. His feathery tail wagged and he gave her chin a lick with his little pink tongue, panting. She would have never imagined a mob-type boss with so many pets. She giggled as she mulled the idea over. Well, why not - she was sure he had all the money he needed to take care of them.

Suddenly Aggie and Quill's voices drifted to her from somewhere far off.

"No."

"Like hell."

"I said no."

"Bulllshiiit."

"You picked a strange bunch Mr. Poe..." Kali muttered under her breath and mostly to the dog she was lathering with attention. "And we better be saving Hyrule-"

At that moment, Rita came fluttering out of the chaos of barking and mewling and Cody's reprimanding cries, and landed on Boomer's head, her claws on his eyebrows. She folded her long wings and looked up at Kali with interest.

"Who is Mr. Poe?" she asked in broken, squawking Hyrulian.

Rita bent her head and groomed the back of Boomer's ear.

"[Do you know who Mr. Poe is?]" she asked.

"[Of course not; I haven't been with her more than a couple seconds longer than you have. And whoever this Mr. Poe is, somehow I don't think the walking ones are meant to know.]"

"And what was this about saving Hyrule?" the parrot went on in human tongue.

"[Really, Rita, nobody can say anything around you. You are so very nosy.]"

"[I just don't want her to be burdened with a secret is all~]" she chirped. "[Secrets are very unhappy things you know.]"

And at that, she thought to add, "I won't tell the master, promise. I never tell secrets. That's my role, you know!" she said with a happy squawk and flutter. "I know most people's secrets. So do the rest of the beasts. We are very good at keeping secrets!"

"[At least you're just nosy and not a liar or a gossip - or both,]" Boomer replied with a sigh.

Kali didn't skip a beat.

"You're very nosy for a bird. Mr. Poe is the alias of one my contacts, like the Terminan horror-writer, not the ghost. The rest is none of your business~"

Rita could tell that it was a lie; it was an animal thing. But she did not mind. People did not lie without reason. So she ceased caring completely.

"Mr. Calighan has a big blue macaw just like you...only blue," Kali said.

She reached out tentatively to the big bird to give it a scritch. Mr. Calighan was the director of magical studies, and his bird always loved attention despite having a bigger vocabulary than most freshmen. She assumed Rita was probably the same.

Suddenly Lloyd stumbled his way into the kitchen.

"By the Goddesses - Kali, is that you? What the hell is with all this noise? I'm trying to research! Cody! CODY!" he screeched. "I can't concentrate! Do you want to steal that Rod of Memories or don't you!"

"Don't you talk to me like that!" Cody shot back, appearing in the doorway with Pandora in one hand and Ticket balancing on the other shoulder, disheveled and unhappy. He jabbed Lloyd in the chest with a finger.

"I do not deserve the way you are treating me! You will treat me with respect! It is not my fault that Badger has a heightened prey instinct!"

"That's what you ALWAYS say!"

"Because it's TRUE!"

"I'm so TIRED of you making EXCUSES to keep that mangy..."

Lloyd turned and stormed out of the kitchenette again, hand on the wall, Cody pursuing him while yelling something about how Badger didn't deserve to be talked about like that. Their shouting match faded a bit, then finally ended with Lloyd crying, "OUCH! You pulled my hair, you monster!"

"Damn right! You're being an unreasonable little girl!"

"SAID THE CROSSDRESSING FAGGOT!"

Cody roared, then there was the thud of two bodies hitting the floor and the sound of them slapping back and forth.

Badger trotted in and sat his hindquarters on the kitchen floor and scratched his ear. Boomer yawned under Kali's scritches. Rita nibbled at one of her nails.

A moment later the sounds of slapping faded and Cody and Lloyd entered the kitchenette again, Cody leading him by the hand.

"Would you like something to eat?"

"Perhaps that will help my headache, yes. And maybe a Tylenol too."

"Can do, absolutely."

He began to rifle through the cabinets. He produced two Tylenols and a glass of water and put them in Lloyd's hands, then kissed his temple.

Kali only stared.

[Head...all the desks.]

Agatha skulked in wearing a black hoodie and went for the fridge. Everything about her body language screamed, 'look at me I am up to no good.'

"...keep saying earplugs but he keeps insisting he needs his ears and stuff but no one listens to me. I'm an obnoxious whore who has a thing for blind guys-OMMPH."

"Dirty freaking Sheikah I will destroy you!"

White-blouse Agatha appeared and tackled the look alike, and then there was Agatha-on-Agatha wrestling action going just outside the kitchenette.

"I just wanted to borrow some batteries you freak why do you make everything hard!"

"Why do you take things without asking, why do you make everything stupid!" the other snapped back in her own voice.

Black-hooded Agatha pinned white-blouse Agatha and rippled to its true appearance of Quill.

"No batteries for you. Go to Malo Mart. Get some. Better yet buy an electric vibrator," Quill barked.

Punch.

The Sheikah took it like a champ and got up and walked away. Aggie pulled herself to her feet and dusted herself off like nothing happened.

"Sorry 'bout that Llyod-lette."

"... Is it always...like this?" Kali squeaked.

Lloyd finished swallowing his Tylenols, handed the glass to Cody, and and wrapped his hands in Agatha's elbow, leaning his head on her shoulder.

"Generally, particularly when Conrad is away," Cody admitted.

Cody took the glass and went to the sink, quickly rinsing it out with soap and - well, more water, but the soap was the important part.

"He's an oddly good peacekeeper. I suppose because he's bigger than all of us combined."

"And hits hard..." Agatha added.

"Yes, and that," Cody said.

Over his shoulder, Cody called to Quill, "Also, Quill, don't be a child. We have batteries; there is no need to make her go run to Malo Mart to get more. They aren't yours anyway." More quietly, he added to Agatha, "Though you do need to ask politely."

"Whateever~" Quil said checking his pone.

"No, not whatever!" he barked back, slamming the glass in the sink. "You are a grown man- or so I thought, at least. I expect you to have a little more maturity than a Kindergartener with the crayons. You can't really expect Agatha to waste her time and effort and money- "

"Din! Maybe you need the vibrator," he said looking up and smirking.

"Hh-h-wat? Ex-cuse me?" the boy spluttered, jaw dropping.

"Just relax," he reiterated.

The boy did- just a little. But not quite enough.

"I can't believe you! Who do you think you are today? Did you finally get laid or something?"

"What? No-o..." It was the Sheikah's turn to sputter. "Just 'cause I'm in a good mood you don't have to- No."

"Oh, what, still afraid of cooties?" Cody sneered, before catching himself, drawing back, and looking away again. The glass seemed like it would have been safe to deem clean by then, but suddenly he seemed intent on scrubbing it even more thoroughly.

"Hey, what the shit?"

Insult was thick in Quill's voice.

"Nothing."

He slammed the glass in the sink again, flung the towel over the side, and stormed out of the kitchenette. A moment later, his bedroom door slammed. A small herd of animals lifted itself up and stampeded after him, except for Rita, who fluttered off Badger's head and clung to Kali's shoulder.

Quill closed up the last three inches of hoody with a pronounced zip and strode off down the hall with his hand on his belt where a sword would have gone.

The kitchenette experienced a rare moment of utter silence. Lloyd was the one who broke it with a little throaty 'ahem.'

"Would we like to discuss what the hell that was, or would we like to talk about dinner?" he asked quietly.

"...Let's get takeout tonight," Agatha said.

"Sounds good to me," murmured Kali, although she wasn't sure if her vote even counted.


End file.
